One thing I've been made very aware of this weekend...Satan does not want us walking in the Spirit. I've begun a process of asking God to help me walk in the Spirit and not the flesh each day. I especially wanted to speak at the women's retreat this weekend in the Spirit. I asked God to help me. It meant dying to pride, ego, love of praise, wanting my own way, greed, and control--among a hundred other things.
If you know me, you know I love to speak. I'm one of those weird 1% of people who love public speaking. Love. it. So it's easy for me to do it in the flesh. And after this weekend, I'd say I've probably done most of my speaking that way. The battle was fierce this weekend. For the first time in my life, I was afraid.
When I walked into the room where we were to meet, I was overwhelmed with intimidation. I thought, "Wrong message. Wrong crowd. Wrong speaker." I began to doubt everything. I sought out some people to pray for me. People who would do some serious praying for me. And then I went to God to make sure I had the right message. He reminded me that this was not about me---it was about Him. I was only the messenger and I had a message to deliver. But He also told me that He was going to satisfy needs in people's lives and bring brokenness in others.
So I did deliver it. And I could tell that the Spirit of God was moving in that room---bringing healing to hearts. It was definitely and absolutely not about me. I told the women after I spoke that Andy and the medical team had gotten an earlier flight to come home and I had 10 minutes to get to the airport. So I headed out. Remember the battle before I spoke? It intensified after I left. I doubted everything I'd said. I beat myself up over examples I'd uttered. (Actually, we know who the real accuser was.) I felt like a failure. I kept running to my Daddy, seeking His face. And once again, He reminded me, "This is not about you, Becky. My message has always come through fallible people (except when Jesus spoke). Leave the results to me."
Whew!! It's a lot harder doing things in the Spirit vs. the flesh. But worth it, nonetheless.
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3 comments:
You did an awesome job, and God did speak through you. I needed to hear it, and I would bet money that everyone else did too. You're wonderful!
I always beat myself up after I open my mouth, whether it be in front of a crowd or to one person. And then I can't sleep for a few nights afterwards. I hope you get some good sleep tonight and rest knowing that God is in control...still. :)
Thank you, Lindsey. And thank you for praying for me.
I'm sorry, honey. Now you know where those genes come from.
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