Your Pastor-Husband & Counseling Women

It’s probably one of the #1 struggles of pastor’s wives.  What happens when a woman wants to be counseled by your husband?  How can you and your husband both set up boundaries to protect your marriage?  I don’t believe this is something the husband gets to say, “This is the way it’s going to be—I’m the pastor!”  If he truly wants to serve God and love his wife, he’ll agree to work this out TOGETHER.  Together, the pastor and his wife can set up boundaries.  

I can only tell you what Andy & I have agreed to. Early on, it was by trial and error.  I had to deal with my own jealous spirit.  Andy is a fun, outgoing guy and his normal way of interacting with others would often set me on edge.  He wasn’t flirting—but I’d still be jealous.  One day, God set me down and told me, “You can be miserable the rest of your life, or you can entrust your husband to me and kick the spirit of jealousy out!”  I drew a line in the sand that day and commanded jealousy to leave.  Of course, that spirit tried to come back numerous ways—but I chose to trust God.  After some time, jealousy was no longer an issue.  But we still needed to set boundaries—for both our sakes.   

About that time, we came to a church which had a very godly pastor who had already set boundaries for the staff—and it’s still the boundaries we use today. These are the boundaries we use in a nutshell:

1. Never counsel a woman alone.  If you have a secretary, leave your door open so she’s aware of all that’s going on as you counsel.  If you don’t have a secretary, invite another staff member, your wife, or that woman’s husband to the counseling session. Or invite her to your house and include your wife in the counseling session.  

2. Don’t text, message, or email a woman privately. Always include your wife or her husband.  If you work with a lot of women, send a group text or email (including your wife) explaining that your wife will always be included in anything you send and everything they send should include her.  

3. Never counsel a woman more than one time.  After that, include her husband or your wife.  If she’s single, include your wife. Andy often defers future counseling to me. It’s also never wise to only hear one side to a story—it always sounds right until you hear the other side. So it’s usually best to counsel a husband and wife together.  

4. Of course the woman needs to know she’s safe in what she shares. That’s why it’s important for her to know before you counsel her that either your wife will be present or that she, or another godly woman, will counsel her next.  Or suggest a professional Christian counselor. 

5. Never take a woman you’re counseling or that you work with alone in your car or to a restaurant.  This includes a youth pastor and female students.  If they need a ride home, insist someone go with you. If you let your youth know your rules upfront, they’ll know not to ask or how to ask.  This would also go for music ministers working on music alone with a woman. 

6. We never give front hugs to a person of the opposite sex (with the exception of family). Side hugs are much more appropriate. 

7.  If you have these boundaries in place and then find that you are intentionally crossing those boundaries, you’ve entered dangerous territory. 

Another thing that Andy & I agreed on is that if another woman made me uncomfortable, I was free to tell him and he would graciously remove himself from that “friendship.”  It’s pretty easy for women to see things a man may not see.  I only really remember telling him this one time.  He just didn’t see it, but complied to our agreement.  It was a time I didn’t want to be proven right...but was.  

Here’s the thing.  Satan wants to destroy you, pastor.  And this is the easiest and fastest way to do it.  No pastor starts counseling a woman hoping for an affair and not every pastor has an affair.  But it’s an easy set-up for one.   It doesn’t even have to be physical!  I’ve seen lots of emotional affairs take place in a church.  Having boundaries and accountability also protects you if you are accused in any way. Boundaries are there to PROTECT you!  And, if you’re wise, they’re there to make your wife feel secure in your relationship. Any boundary for the pastor will also be good for the pastor’s wife. It’s great if your church has rules in place...but this is important to your marriage to have boundaries which work for both of you.  I encourage pastors and their wives to sit down today and agree on boundaries together.  

What would you add?

Jonathan Goforth

Jonathan Goforth became the foremost missionary revivalist in early twentieth-century China and helped to establish revivalism as a major element in Protestant China missions. He grew up on an Ontario farm, the seventh of eleven children. Hearing G.L. MacKay, Presbyterian missionary to Formosa (Taiwan), speak, he sensed God’s call to go to China. Attending Knox College for training, Jonathan appeared on his first day as a farm boy in a suit his mom had made.  His entire class hazed him and made fun of him until Jonathan’s steadiness and zeal for evangelism changed their minds. Goforth met Rosalind Bell-Smith at the Toronto Union Mission. She had been born in London, England, and had grown up in Montreal. They married in 1887, ready to go to China. Within a year of graduating from Knox College, his classmates, who had at one time hazed him, offered to support him in China since the Presbyterians had no work in China at that time.  The Goforths eventually had eleven children, six of whom survived childhood. Five of their children were buried in China. They pioneered the North Honan (Henan) mission in 1888.  Hudson Taylor, a fellow missionary in China, had hoped to establish work in Honan and wrote Jonathan a letter asking him not to begin work there.  But Jonathan felt compelled by God to go where no work had been done.  

In 1900 the Goforths had to escape China because of the Boxer rebellion. They were stoned and tortured in many villages they passed through to get to Shanghai.  Jonathan almost died at one point. The only way they survived was because of the kindness of fellow believers or people they’d influenced.  Most Chinese were ready to kill the “foreign devils” in their country.  They barely escaped the Boxers and returned to Canada. Jonathan read newspapers to know what was going on in China—he was anxious to return and continue the work they’d begun. Because of his vision to create outposts of their work and incorporating many native Chinese in their work, they saw thousands come to Christ.  After their return to Honan in 1901, Jonathan Goforth felt increasingly restless. He became an itinerate missionary—traveling all over their region. In 1907, Jonathan was asked to accompany Dr. MacKay, secretary of foreign missionaries for the Presbyterian Church in Canada, on a trip to Korea. There he experienced the eye-opening revival taking place. As he returned to China through Manchuria, congregations were so fascinated by his accounts that they invited him back in early 1908. During this extended visit there occurred the unprecedented “Manchurian revival,” which transformed Goforth’s life and ministry; from then on he was basically an evangelist and revivalist, not a settled missionary. He also became one of the best known of all China missionaries, admired by many, but disliked by some for his “emotionalism.”  Jonathan had a detached retina in both eyes and became blind but he never let it hinder their work and never complained about being blind. But in 1934, Rosalind’s health demanded they return home.  As her health improved, Jonathan was in demand in Canada and the United States as a speaker.  He spoke on average, ten times per week. After speaking at a church service on October 7, 1936, he went to bed and fell asleep and never awakened. Jonathan had helped start 48 churches in Manchuria and his work had touched thousands of lives over the entire eastern side of China. 

In 1931 the Goforths coauthored Miracle Lives of China. After his death in Toronto, Rosalind, a capable writer who had first published in 1920, wrote the popular Goforth of China, and her own autobiography, Climbing: Memories of a Missionary’s Wife (1940).

The Power Of Salt

“Salt is good, but if the salt loses its flavor, how will you season it? Have salt in yourselves, and have peace with one another.”  Mark 9:50

I read this again this morning and thought, “What effect does salt have on meat?”   So I googled it.  Salt draws out the moisture in the meat and tenderizes it and preserves it.  It also seasons or flavors the meat.  

The disciples had just been arguing over who would be the greatest in the kingdom. Think about the arguments you’ve heard around you lately.  Don’t they all kind of boil down to that—even if it’s not really posed that way?  (We can be really sneaky!)  We want to be first, best, prominent, greatest, favorite, highest, popular...and on and on.  Young adults have even gone to having “influencers”  on social media to promote themselves—to be first.  Have they been watching us promote ourselves and taken it to excess??

Jesus told his disciples to give up that nonsense.  The greatest would be the servant.  The last would be first. He basically said, “Be seasoned!! Love one another.  Bless one another.  Don’t promote yourself. Be tender with one another. Think of others as better than yourself.  Season or flavor the world around you with love and humility. Be the salt that preserves—live at peace with one another.”

I don’t think He’s changed his mind.   

David Livingstone

1813-1873

Livingstone was a Scottish missionary and one of the greatest European explorers of Africa, whose opening up the interior of the continent contributed to the 'Scramble for Africa'.

David Livingstone was born at Blantyre, south of Glasgow, Scotland on March 19, 1813. At 10, he began working in the local cotton mill, with school lessons in the evenings. His father held to the belief that religion and science didn’t mix and it wasn’t until Dr. Gutzlaff’s letter was read in their church which told of a need for medical missionaries that his dad’s heart opened to the idea.  It’s also when David gave his heart to Jesus when he saw that his love for science could be reconciled with Christianity. In 1836, he began studying medicine and theology in Glasgow and decided to become a missionary doctor. In 1841, he was posted by the London Missionary Society to the edge of the Kalahari Desert in southern Africa. In 1845, he married Mary Moffat, daughter of a fellow missionary.  She had been in Africa since she was 4-years-old.  They eventually had six children. Mary & the children didn’t always live with David because of the dangers he encountered in his travels.  For some of that time, they lived with Mary’s parents in a mission station and then for several years, they went to live in Scotland with David’s family.  The last six months of that tenure, Mary left the children with David’s parents and went to live with a friend because she didn’t get along with his family.  

Livingstone was convinced his mission to reach new peoples in the interior of Africa and introduce them to Christianity was God’s plan; he eventually became passionate about freeing slaves when he saw the horrible devastation in the villages he came upon. It was this which inspired his explorations. In 1849 and 1851, he travelled across the Kalahari, on the second trip sighting the upper Zambezi River. In 1852, he began a four year expedition to find a route from the upper Zambezi to the coast. This filled huge gaps in western knowledge of central and southern Africa. In 1855, Livingstone discovered a spectacular waterfall which he named 'Victoria Falls' after Queen Victoria. He reached the mouth of the Zambezi on the Indian Ocean in May 1856, becoming the first European to cross the width of southern Africa.  He traveled over one-third of the continent of Africa in his lifetime. In his travels, he wrote detailed directions in his journal to each area he visited, where to find water, sketches of plants and animals he found.  He was once mauled by a lion which broke his arm and shook him in the air before the natives were able to kill it.  

Returning to Britain, where he was now a national hero, Livingstone did many speaking tours and published his best-selling 'Missionary Travels and Researches in South Africa' (1857). He left for Africa again in 1858, and for the next five years carried out official explorations of eastern and central Africa for the British government, ending his alliance with the London Missionary Society, although his heart was still to win people to Christ. His wife died of malaria in 1862 which was a bitter blow.  His greatest regret was not spending more time with his family. 

At home, Livingstone publicized the horrors of the slave trade, securing private support for another expedition to central Africa, searching for the Nile's source and reporting further on slavery. This expedition lasted from 1866 until Livingstone's death in 1873. After nothing was heard from him for many months, Henry Stanley, an explorer and journalist, set out to find Livingstone. This resulted in their meeting near Lake Tanganyika in October 1871 during which Stanley uttered the famous phrase: 'Dr. Livingstone, I presume?' With new supplies from Stanley, Livingstone continued his efforts to find the source of the Nile. His health had been poor for many years and he died on May 1, 1873. His three loyal African friends buried his heart under a mvula tree in Africa and took his body back to England where it was buried in Westminster Abbey.

Rebecca

We’d been ministering non-stop in Asia and were all exhausted. We’d planned this one night for rest and shopping. We’d traveled an hour away, up a dangerous mountain road, to help a local doctor. We were tired and were anxious to get back to a leisurely evening.  On the way, our van driver (who had watched us help sick people all day), asked us if we’d be willing to go visit his friend who was very sick. Of course, my husband said “yes.”  But inwardly, I was disappointed—watching our only chance for rest slip away.  We got to that house and a very sick 20-year-old girl named Rebecca was lying in bed.  Her skin was yellow and it was obvious she was very sick.  Our doctors looked at her and found out through an interpreter that she’d been to doctors and there was nothing else they could do and the family couldn’t afford to send her to a hospital. As a group, we pooled our money together and took her to the hospital.  But before she went, we shared the gospel with her and her family.  Miraculously, they ALL gave their hearts to Jesus that night. We visited her in the hospital the next morning and then left for the airport to go home.  On our way, we got a call that Rebecca had died.  We were devastated...and at the same time comforted, knowing she was in heaven.  It took me awhile to see the miracle in all of it.  

Jesus’ disciples experienced the same thing.  They’d been ministering for days.  At last, Jesus said, “Let’s get away so you can rest.”  But as they got across the lake to a private spot, thousands had run ahead of them and were waiting on them so they could be healed. The Bible says, “and Jesus was moved with compassion for them.”   I think the disciples responded like I did, “There goes our chance for rest!”  You know the rest of the story.  Jesus healed the sick and cast out demons and then before everyone left, he fed over 5000 of them with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish.  It was miraculous!!  

Mark 6:52 says, “For they (the disciples) had not understood about the loaves, because their heart was hardened.”  Why was it hardened?  Because they’d had expectations of rest.  While Jesus’ response was compassion when he saw the crowd, I think their response was to be disheartened, or angry, or frustrated.  I know that was my response when I expected to rest and shop and instead stopped for one more ministry opportunity.  But they missed it!!   And I missed it.  Of course, it later became one of their favorite stories to tell because they saw God at work!  I know that every time Andy tells the story of Rebecca, I feel sad that I would have chosen rest when Rebecca was only 24 hours away from hell.  Praise God that Andy, like Jesus, had compassion.  Because of his compassion, Rebecca is in heaven. Her family gathered every night for weeks to read the one Bible they owned—and the one family member who can read shares it with the rest of them.  

Of course, I see the miracle of it now.   I just wish my heart, like the disciples,  hadn’t been hardened at the time.  

Baby Steadman Part V

I could hear Caleb in the hall telling some nurse a joke.  What was it with him?  He’d been cracking one joke after another until I finally told him, “Not funny!  Go!”   I’d been reduced to single syllable sentences.  Could he not tell I was in PAIN?  And where was he now?  I was feeling the urge to push and no one was around.  I was ready to yell his name when he appeared.  A contraction hit and I said, “Nurse!   Push!”   He ran out of the room yelling, “Nurse!”

The nurse came sauntering in (it seemed), totally unconcerned because the last time she’d checked me I was at 5 centimeters. But she took one look and went out the door saying, “Call the doctor!”   It was 4 a.m.  Within fifteen minutes, the doctor walked into my room swooping in like he was catching a football and said, “Ready, catch!”   What was it with men?  “Just get this baby out of me already!”  I thought...but thankfully didn’t say. 

At 4:32 a.m., Henry William Steadman entered the world with a loud cry.  He weighed 8 lbs. 6 oz. and was 20” long.  And he had a head full of dark hair and long fingers—all ten of them.  After he was born, Caleb took him to the nursery to bathe him.  Later Caleb told me, “It’s like I was the Pied Piper with your family and mine following Henry & I down the hall—with cameras flashing.”  When they came back to the room, we examined every inch of him.  Each of our parents took turns holding him and getting photos made with him before they left to get some sleep.  Mom came and kissed me and said, “You did an amazing job, Merry, and your baby is beautiful. Get some sleep!  We’ll let you sleep in before we come back.”

The room was set up as a motel room and Caleb was allowed to spend the night.  We reluctantly let Henry go to the nursery so we could get some uninterrupted sleep.  Our friends had all told us we wouldn’t regret letting Henry go to the nursery—so we took them at their word.  

Word was out and visitors started coming.  Our siblings came by and Caleb’s nieces and nephews.  They all got to hold him.  Caleb and I had the farmer family’s philosophy that germs built up immunities.  We weren’t worried about others holding him. We tried to sleep in-between visitors. I was exhausted and in quite a bit of pain. Caleb would even take visitors into the hall to visit or take them to the nursery if Henry was there to give me a break.  

But at one point in the early evening , Caleb and I were both on the bed napping and Henry was in the bassinet when I heard a knock at the door.  I said, “Come in!”  But I was not prepared for what I saw.  There were George and Miss Shirley—standing there holding hands. I think my mouth fell open and Caleb was already up and said, “George!  Miss Shirley!  Come meet little Henry.”  They both held him, oohed and ahhed over him, and then George looked at Caleb and said, “Preacher, we’ve got a favor to ask.  Would you marry us?  We know God’s brought us together and we don’t see any reason to wait.”  I squealed and clapped my hands and they both came and gave me a hug. They told us their kids had grown up together and were in full support of their marriage. They wanted to get married in a month—after we’d had time to adjust to a new baby. 

We were home and my heart was full.  My baby was perfect—God had given me abundantly above all I could ask or think.  I fell asleep smiling over the fact that George & Miss Shirley were getting married. 

I woke up in the wee hours of the morning and saw Caleb rocking Henry. I laid very still so I could hear what he was saying, “ Henry, I bless you to grow in the knowledge and understanding of our Lord Jesus Christ.  I bless you to come to Him at an early age.  I bless you to become a strong man of integrity and great character.  I bless you to be selfless and to love others deeply.  I bless you to become a benevolent ruler and a zealous protector.  I bless you to be spiritually fruitful and full of grace. I bless you, my son.  I love you, Henry.”  He kissed him.  The rocker creaked as tears flowed down my cheeks.  Yes...my heart was full.  

THE END.  

Baby Steadman Part IV

“HOLD ON, SHIRLEY!” George yelled as he thrust his oar towards her.  Her head was wildly bobbing up and down as the rapids washed over her.  She finally grabbed the oar and Jed, a high schooler, helped George reel her in. They got her to the edge of the raft but were having a hard time pulling her on in. She was dead weight. With one last pull, they had her in the raft.  Poor Shirley just sat there. George convinced her to sit down in front of him and hang on to the handle.  He then wrapped his legs around her to make sure she didn’t fall overboard again.  It was a wild ride and the rapids were rough. Shirley had never imagined THIS.  

Shirley had no inclination to get in a raft and go down the river, especially a river which was swollen from heavy rains.  And she certainly never planned to put on a wetsuit—ever!  But those kids...they had begged her from the minute they left the church.  They actually acted thrilled that she and George had joined the trip.  Well she’d have to admit...it wasn’t just the kids trying to convince her to raft.  George had also told her, “I will if you will!”  She felt like it was almost a dare that she couldn’t or shouldn’t pass up. And the kids were having so much fun that she just didn’t want to rain on their parade. Jason laughed as he watched the struggle she was going through trying to decide what to do.  “Don’t do anything you don’t want to do Miss Shirley,” he said. “These kids will have a blast whether you go or not.  But they obviously love you and want you to be a part of their fun.”  His grin was engaging. “I just came to cook!” she wailed. 

The next morning, as she and George cooked breakfast for twenty-two people, George began teasing her, “Is it the river you’re afraid of or the fact you don’t have a hairdresser out here?”  She punched him in the arm and he rubbed it like she’d really hurt him.  Jennie saw the whole thing and ran and told a roomful of girls, “George and Miss Shirley are FLIRTING!  We have GOT to make them go on the float trip!”   And, of course, the guys then knew what was going on so everyone used their best tactics trying to convince them to go rafting. Tiffany argued, “Miss Shirley, we can’t leave you behind to be bored or do all the work.”  “Come with us, Miss Shirley—we’ll look out for you.  You won’t even get wet with us helping you,” Jed and Cole tried to convince her.  Finally, Miss Shirley stood up and commanded everyone’s attention.  “Alright everyone.  I’ll go. Jed & Cole, I’ll expect you to be in my raft and keep your word.   But I’m going on one condition...everyone has to help cook supper tonight and clean up. Is it a deal?”  The room erupted with cheers, whistling, and clapping.  And Miss Shirley thought, “What have I just gotten myself into?   I don’t even like water!”  George had a big smile and made a gallant bow towards her. What in the world was happening?  She sat down quickly because the room seemed to be spinning. 

Was the guide sounding like Charlie Brown’s teacher?   All she heard was, “Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.”   Was that rushing sound in her ears the river or her high blood pressure?  The kids were so excited, she couldn’t back out.  She did catch the guide saying, “Keep your life jacket on at all times and if you should fall overboard, try to get back to your raft.  We’ll help you get back in.  If you can’t make it to the raft, head to the riverbank.   We’ll make a couple of stops along the river to rest.”   Wait! Did she know enough?  She hadn’t caught anything else.  

It was time to load up.  Jed and Cole were true to their word and made sure they got in the same raft she did. To her surprise, George insisted on joining them and got behind her.  Her heart did a little flip. “What are the kids thinking?” she wondered. Jennie and Tiffany also joined them but those girls didn’t fool her—she’d already seen them batting their eyes at Jed and Cole.  The boys kept her laughing as they started out.  They were showing off their muscles and bragging pretty hard.  They promised the girls that they would jump in and save them if they went overboard. The person who surprised her most was George.  He showed more skill and strength in rowing than the high school boys.  He’d obviously done this before.  

Everything was just fine as they started out and Shirley thought, “Why this isn’t so bad!   I can do this. I’m even able to enjoy the scenery as we go along.”   She knew she probably didn’t pull her own weight but George took up the slack.  It was all just fine until they took the bend in the river. She was sure her eyes had never been that wide in all her life. She wasn’t sure if she’d screamed out loud or if it was one of those silent shocked screams.  The kids were obviously loving the thrill.  She was terrified.  The guide said something like, “Bump!” But she had no idea what he meant. That’s when she fell overboard and got a mouthful of freezing water.  She couldn’t seem to catch her breath!  When she finally got back in the raft, she was done.  She just wanted to go back to the cabin and go to bed.  

George knew Shirley was overwhelmed and wasn’t having fun anymore.  He was determined to help her regain her equilibrium at the rest stop.  He brought her a sack lunch the outfit provided, got her a towel and blanket, and found the most comfortable spot for her to sit in the sun. Jed and Cole were troopers and brought her an extra towel and a candy bar they’d stashed in their life jacket. They apologized for not keeping her in the raft. Shirley recovered and by lunch’s end, she’d found her determination. George was proud of her and told her so.  

The kids were whooping and hollering on the ride back to the cabin. You’d have thought they were all explorers and had discovered a new world with their tall tales. But the photos the outfit took told a different story with wide eyes and open mouths in every raft. They all kept their eyes on Miss Shirley & George that evening; watching Miss Shirley touch George’s shoulder as she walked behind him and George serving Miss Shirley coffee and dessert. Something had definitely happened. And it had the kids whispering and the girls giggling.  

Jason called Caleb before the group left the mountains.  He laughingly told him that sparks were flying between Miss Shirley and George.  He encouraged us to meet them at the church when they pulled in that afternoon at four.  I was squealing and grabbed Caleb’s arm when he told me.  “I knew it!   I KNEW it!!!”   I would have jumped up and down if I wasn’t so great with child.  I couldn’t wait to hear all about it. “Thank you, God,” I whispered. 

Baby Steadman Part III

Boy...or girl?  Caleb and I had debated whether or not to find out the sex of our baby at the ultrasound.  I wanted to so we could prepare the nursery but Caleb wanted to be surprised. Interestingly, we had two friends whose ultrasounds were wrong—after all that painting and planning.  Since we couldn’t agree, we’d at least agreed not to find out this time even though my mom was chomping at the bits to know.  But we got the sweetest pictures from the ultrasound.  We couldn’t stop staring at them trying to figure out who Baby Steadman favored.  I think he/she has Caleb’s high cheek bones and my mouth. There was even one photo of the baby sucking its thumb.  I was now five months pregnant and my next ultrasound was in six weeks. Caleb had been feeling strong kicks when he held his hand on my belly and kept assuring me we had a football player growing in there.  I told him it could also be a strong ballerina.  He loved talking and singing to the baby each night and told me, “I want our baby to recognize me on the outside.”

Two weeks later, Jason told Caleb that Jennifer was pregnant!  If we thought the church ladies were excited before, they were almost beside themselves to be getting two new pastor’s babies.  The ladies at the church had decided to freshen up the church nursery.  Miss Shirley had spearheaded the event and had convinced George to help paint.  He told her, “As long as I don’t have to paint any figures on the wall. Straight painting is all I do.”  Miss Shirley was so invested in the task because she’d diapered everyone thirty years and younger at the First Baptist nursery. In fact, it’s where she got the name Miss Shirley—she was very loved. I couldn’t help stopping by to see how that relationship was developing but they shooed me away as Miss Shirley warned, “Honey, these paint fumes are not good for you or that baby.  Go home and put your feet up.”  So I did.  

I’m an avid Fixer Upper fan. And I’d seen an episode where Chip & Joanna Gaines had designed a nursery for a couple.  I was determined to find the grayish-green color they’d put on the walls.  It would be the perfect color for a boy or a girl.  Caleb had never been much of a woodworker, but his dad was a master carpenter and they were building a baby bed together and working on it every Saturday afternoon.  Caleb had learned a lot.  “Ok.  Find the color,” he told me, “and I’ll do the painting in the evenings next week.  Just promise me you’ll stay at your mom’s until the fumes are gone.”  And that worked perfectly for me.  I called mom and asked, “Mom?  Would you mind helping me make the bedding for the baby bed?   I’ve seen a quilted bumper pad and bedding I want to copy.”   We made a trip to Ace Hardware for paint and to Joann’s Fabrics for matching neutral fabric.  Mom offered, “Do you want curtains to match?   Let me get the fabric for that.”  The nursery was coming together.  

Caleb was right.  George was a slow burner.  I just knew he was interested in Miss Shirley.  How could I help this relationship along?  Dr. James Dobson said, “If you want to solidify your family relationships, go camping!”  By that, he meant things were sure to go wrong—but it would cause the family to come together. I called Jason and asked, Do you have all the sponsors you need for the youth rafting trip?”  “No!  You aren’t volunteering, are you?” he laughed.  I replied, “Sorry—not me.  But have you thought about George and Miss Shirley?   They wouldn’t have to raft, but I know they’d be great sponsors. They love the young people and they both love to cook.”  Jason could see right through my obvious matchmaking attempt but he promised to give them a call.  

Mom and I finished the adorable crib set and curtains and Caleb had painted the room and aired it out before I came back home.  Now we only needed to get the bed finished. As I walked in, Caleb said, “Guess what?  George & Miss Shirley are going on that rafting trip!”   I squealed with delight. I really wished I could go just to see what happened between them but Caleb said, “Better let this develop or fall apart on its own, Merry.  If you can’t sustain it, it’s not yours to initiate.”  I sighed.  I knew one thing I could do.  “God, I love these two people.  And they seem like a perfect match to me.  I hate for them to be lonely. If it’s Your will, please draw them toward one another and let them fall in love. And God?  Use this youth trip!  In Jesus’ name, amen.”  It’s the best I could do.  

Our next sonogram was here.  Amazingly, we had already agreed on both names—a girl’s and a boy’s.  “Caleb,” I insisted, “The names have to be spelled correctly.  I don’t want my kids having to spell their names to everyone all their lives. And daddy told me that he’d had to correct every teacher who called him by his first name when he actually went by his middle name. So I really want our child to go by their first name.”  He agreed.  We’d learned the importance of our names at a conference and were convinced of the significance of its meaning because we’d both lived out our names. Merry Noelle Bishop Steadman meant Happy-Christmas-Overseer-Farmer.  Caleb Bartholomew Steadman meant Loyal Friend-Ploughman-Farmer. So we definitely put lots of thought into the names we’d picked.  We’d chosen either Henry William Steadman or Ava Belle Steadman.  The boy’s name meant Ruler-Protector-Farmer.  And the girl’s name meant Life-Beautiful-Farmer.  Whew!   At least we had that figured out.  And I think because we knew the names, Caleb had relented and decided we could be told the gender today.  TODAY, we’d find out which it was—a boy or a girl.  And I was beside myself!

“Mom?  How would you like to come help me with Henry William Steadman at the end of August?”  I had to hold the phone away from my ear because of her screaming.  Caleb &  I looked at each other and laughed.  I hoped Henry would have his sparkling eyes.  

Baby Steadman Part II

I was so glad to be past morning sickness that I was ready to celebrate!  An idea had been forming in my head.  I wanted to start inviting our church members to lunch after church—one small group at a time.  My trouble was who to start with and how to mix them.  But one thing I was doing for sure.  I was having George, a two-year widower, and Miss Shirley, a long-time widow, for the same meal.  Maybe it was because Josh & Hallie McGyver played matchmaker with Caleb & I.  But whatever!   I just knew George and Miss Shirley needed an opportunity to be together—as a couple.  “Oh, God, please let them both be able to come.  And fill our dinner table with fun and laughter.” I prayed under my breath.  

Jason and Jennifer had settled into the parsonage and into their new part-time job as youth minister.  You could drive by their house almost any night and see the cars of our youth lining the front curb.  They had an open-door policy with the kids with the exception of Thursday and Saturday night which was reserved for just the two of them. Jason told them, “We love you guys, but I love my wife more.  She deserves two nights of my undivided attention.” I thought they were wise to set those boundaries before they began a family of their own. I loved that Jennifer was on board with Jason’s open-door policy.  

My belly was growing!  I’d decided I wasn’t one to wear tight clothes to show off my baby bump—but I also didn’t want my grandma’s maternity fashions. It was hard finding exactly what I wanted.  My mom came over one morning and said, “Let’s go shopping!  I’ve found the cutest maternity shop and I think they have exactly what you’re looking for.”  We spent the entire morning there.  I normally hate trying on clothes, but this was different.  I couldn’t wait to wear maternity clothes.  “Mom, I can’t let you buy every single outfit I’ve tried on.  Let me just pick one or two things for you to get.  I do get a salary from A Lotta Latte, after all.”  “Nonsense!” she said,  “I’ve been waiting for this moment. And I can promise these clothes will last for more than one pregnancy,”  I had to laugh—Mom and her expectations.  

Sunday, at last. I’d struggled over what to serve but finally settled on a pot roast since I could leave it cooking in the crockpot during church.  Everyone had agreed to come!   George, Miss Shirley, Mark & Sandra Langford (their 5 kids were visiting grandparents), and Jason & Jennifer Wilson. I knew this group would keep the conversation going and our dining table would be filled with laughter.  I managed to seat George & Shirley across from each other and was pleased when they joined the conversation and even enjoyed some private laughter.  The meal was a success and the dessert in the living room was even more casual.  As they all left, I looked at Caleb and said, “Well we’ll just let that simmer a little while and do it again.”   Caleb belly laughed and said, “Merry, don’t get your hopes up.  George looks like a slow burner to me.”

I’d also worn my first maternity dress today.  I was excited but also surprisingly shy about sporting my first maternity outfit.  I knew it would definitely draw attention.  And it did.  Jessa, the young mom who worked with our children ran up to me and put her hand on my belly and whispered, “You look adorable!”  It seemed my maternity dress gave every woman in the church permission to touch my belly.  Or maybe it was because I was the pastor’s wife and I belonged to them. 

Caleb and I laid in bed that night, and, as usual, with his hand on my belly. We began talking about George and Miss Shirley.  “Wouldn’t it be sweet if they got married?” I asked.  “Of course,” Caleb replied, “But it would also bring some challenges for them both.  Which house would they live in?  Would their kids think it was a good idea?   And those are just starters, I’d think.” I was turning these questions over in my mind when I felt the strangest sensation. There was a fluttering in my belly!   “Did you feel that??” I asked Caleb. And of course, he didn’t.  But we both laughed over the miracle of a growing baby.  I couldn’t wait for my first ultrasound!  

Baby Steadman Part I

It was Christmas Eve and our third anniversary...and my birthday.  (My parents’ blessed me with a Christmas name—Merry Noelle. It’s only necessitated me spelling my name all.my.life.)  God had packed so much in our three years of marriage. Caleb was a bi-vocational pastor at First Baptist Church in Sunrise, TX but he’d also purchased Mr. Troyer’s farm and renamed it Steadman Farms. He planted cotton and wheat and was slowly growing his herd of cows. He told me, “It feels a little lopsided. I know I spend more time farming than preaching and that bothers me.” I was still advertising for A Lotta Latte and Sam & Lynn jokingly told everyone, “If you want your life turned upside down, hire Merry Steadman!”  Their business had skyrocketed. Caleb & I were on our way to the city to celebrate.  We planned to eat at Hoffbrau Steakhouse, catch a movie, and look at the Christmas lights. 

I was excited about this celebration even though I was sure I’d never be able to eat those famous Brau Chips. We’d agreed: no anniversary gifts. The evening out was for my birthday.  But I couldn’t wait to give Caleb his gift. After we were seated and had ordered, Caleb said, “Happy birthday and anniversary, babe!  I’m sorry I couldn’t get you a nice gift.  But if I had all the money in the world, I would have taken you on a beautiful European Christmas Market Cruise. Well...as long as it was only a seven day cruise.”   We both laughed, knowing he’d probably never leave the farm that long.  At least he knew what I’d love to do some day.  And really, splurging to go out to eat and to a movie was enough.  When the Brau Chips arrived, Caleb looked at me quizzically, “Merry, aren’t you going to eat?”   He knew I loved those crispy chips dipped in ranch dressing, but I told him, “I’m saving room for that steak!”  He’d forgive me for that little white lie when he learned the truth.  

After we’d eaten and had gotten to the movie theatre, I grabbed Caleb’s arm as he was about to open the door to the pick-up.  “Wait, Caleb!  We have a few minutes and I want to give you your gift before we go in.”  He had a frustrated look on his face and said, “Merry Steadman! We agreed not to give each other gifts.”  I said, “Just open it.  Please.” I’d already reached in my purse and pulled out a 5x7 manila envelope with an obvious long bump in the middle.  Caleb looked at me as he opened the envelope and then he peered inside.  I’ll never forget that shocked look as he pulled out the pregnancy test stick. I began laughing and crying at the same time—a thing I really never knew was possible until that moment. He grabbed me and gave me a huge hug and I thought he’d never let go.  “A baby?” he asked as he held me at arm’s length and looked at me, “REALLY??” And then I was back in his arms. His tears mingling with mine were a sure indicator that God’s gift had already pierced his big ol’ soft heart.  He was going to be a good daddy. 

We never went to that movie or saw the Christmas lights. We made the rounds of both sets of parents to tell them our big news.  We couldn’t wait. They were over-the-moon excited.  My mom squealed with delight, “A baby! My first grandbaby! Wait—that means I’ll be a G-R-A-N-D-M-A!” she jokingly wailed for about two seconds.  My parents might be grandparents for the first time but Caleb’s parents were old pros—they were Granny & Papa to their five stairstep grandchildren. But they were excited, just the same.  Caleb’s dad told him, “Better have a boy, son.  You’re gonna need help on that farm.”  We fell into bed that night ecstatic over the change which was about to come into our lives as if we hadn’t had enough already.  But...a BABY!

Reality hit the next morning as I ran to the bathroom.  I’d felt queasy for a week which explained not eating Brau Chips.  But this was more than queasy.  Caleb brought me crackers and a Sprite before he left for work.  He kissed me on the forehead and said, “A baby, Merry Noelle!  Just keep reminding yourself.”  He winked and walked out the door and into the snow on his way to the church. 

Speaking of the church, a lot had changed.  A young man and his wife from our church, Jason & Jennifer Wilson, had stepped up and started helping with our youth.  The youth loved them.  Jason confided to Caleb that God was calling him into the ministry.  Caleb’s mind began to work overtime. He saw this as an answer to his prayers.  So Caleb approached the personnel committee with an idea.  He asked them, “What if we hired Jason as a bi-vocational youth minister?  We could let the Wilsons live in the parsonage and give him a small salary.  And then we could share hospital visitation and other responsibilities.  What do you think?”  Because most of them were farmers themselves and knew Caleb was stretched thin, they saw wisdom in the idea and eventually offered Jason the job. We all felt it was a win/win and Caleb’s mind was greatly relieved.  

Caleb came home a few evenings later, and I was still in bed.  It was as if the floodgates had opened once I announced that I was pregnant. I couldn’t keep anything down. Even though several sweet ladies from our church had brought food along with their “how-to-avoid-nausea” advice—we were now short in the food supply department.  I told Caleb, “I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to get groceries and fix your own dinner—or better yet, go to the DQ for a burger.  I don’t think I can even handle the smells!”  We had no idea at the time...but this was about to become our way of life for the next three months.  One night when he came home, I was crying and whined, “I’m so hungry!!  Nothing is staying down.  Would you make a stew?   It’s all I’ve been able to think about all day and I think I could eat it.”  Sweet Caleb spent thirty minutes chopping vegetables and putting a stew together.  After it cooked for about forty minutes, the smell was beginning to make me nauseous.  He brought a bowl to me and sat down and said, “Here, Merry. Some of the vegetables may still be a little crunchy, but I think it’s ready.”  I took one bite and pushed Caleb out of the way as I ran to the bathroom.  Obviously, just thinking about stew all day didn’t mean I could eat it.  Crying, I told Caleb, “Open the windows!! I can’t stand the smell!”  I heard him muttering, “Make stew. Get rid of the stew smell...”  Miserable, I pulled the pillow over my head and cried myself to sleep. 

And then, just like that, I woke up one morning and wasn’t sick!  I moved slowly just in case it was a fluke.  Before I got dressed, I looked in the mirror and pulled my nightgown tightly around my belly and could see a tiny little pooch and fell in love all over again. I thought, “I’m really pregnant!” as if being sick for three months hadn’t proven that fact.  Caleb walked in from feeding cattle, wet and dirty from chopping ice in the creek, to a wife who was up, dressed, and even had on make-up.  And I told him, “Hurry up and shower!  We’re going to Hoffbrau tonight and I’m eating Brau Chips. Our baby is hungry!”  Caleb laughed...but I noticed he didn’t waste any time getting in the shower. I knew a secret: steaks were his love language.  

Corrie ten Boom

At thirty-two years of age, Corrie became the first woman in Holland to become a certified watchmaker.  She worked with her father in his business of clockmaking.  As the world became focused on Adolf Hitler who was intent on annhilating the Jews, Corrie’s father became more intent on saving as many Jewish lives as he could.  In fact, Casper ten Boom’s daughters, son, and grandsons all became involved in the underground effort to hide Jews and then get them to safe places.  Holland had become occupied by German forces.  Of course, in order to hide the Jews, they also had to find ration cards to be able to feed so many people.  The watchmaker’s house was the perfect place to hide people!  It was two houses joined together with space in between which would be easy to camouflage.  A Mr. Smit, actually a fictitious name for a renowned builder, came to their home and created the hiding place, a secret room.  

Many Jews were hidden in the ten Boom home and then moved to safer places.  One day, a man with the gestapo disguised himself and came and asked a very sick Corrie for money to help his “Jewish wife” escape. Corrie wasn’t able to think clearly, but told the man to return the next day for the money.  It was a trap.  He returned the next day to arrest the entire ten Boom family.  Fortunately, every Jewish person in the ten Boom home had been able to hide in the secret room as the gestapo converged on the home.  

The ten Boom family was taken to a concentration camp.  It was there that Casper died within ten days of his arrival.  Corrie’s nephew also died in captivity.  Corrie and Betsy were in the same flea-infested barrack.  The fleas allowed them privacy from guards who wanted nothing to do with the infestation.  It was in the barracks that Betsy & Corrie read their smuggled Bible to the others and taught them about God’s love and how He wanted them to forgive their enemies. Betsy became ill but told Corrie that she believed they would be released by the new year.  And they were.  Betsy was released to heaven and Corrie was given her freedom and returned to her beloved home.  

Betsy also told Corrie that she believed God would give them a home to help restore the broken people after their release.  And that’s exactly what happened.  Corrie was given a beautiful mansion which she shared with many people to help bring about their healing.  She traveled all over the world to share her story and tell how important it was to forgive our enemies. In fact, in two of those meetings, she was confronted with guards from the concentration camp—and offered a hand of forgiveness to them both.  She died from a stroke at her home in California at 91-years-of-age.  Her story continues with her book and movie, The Hiding Place.  

Through Gates of Splendor

In Through Gates of Splendor, Elizabeth Elliot chronicles the lives of these five men from their calling to be missionaries through the aftermath of their deaths.  I love how she doesn’t focus on one man—because it took all five men to accomplish “Operation Auca.”  Her book includes excerpts from the men’s journals and letters and photos along the way.  

These five men, their wives, and young children came to Ecuador with great passion. They entered a harsh territory governed by savage Indian tribes with a great compelling to share the Good News of Jesus Christ with them.  A missionary before them, Frank Drown, had reached the head-shrinking Jivaro tribe.  Others were working with the Quicha Indians.  But soon, God put it on the hearts of Jim Elliot and Nate Saint to go even further and reach the Auca Indians whose only interaction with white man, to this point, had been with rubber traders who were uncivilized savages in their own right. Nate was a pilot with Mission Aviation and as he flew over the area, he tried to spot the Aucas.  The men learned all they could about the Aucas through Shell Oil Company and a woman who was a refugee from the Auca tribe named Dayuma.  

Nate & Jim began making drops of gifts (pans, machetes, clothing, plastic cups, knives, etc.) to the Auca homes they found.  They continued this for months.  They also began using a P.A. System from the airplane using friendly phrases Dayuma taught them.  The responses from the Indians were varied.  Spears were thrown at first but then the Aucas seemed to warm up to them—even wearing articles of clothing the men had dropped when they normally wore nothing.  

Soon, the men began planning a meeting with the Aucas. Much time and prayer was spent preparing for that very important move.  Five men committed to going to a beach on the river with the full support of their wives.  They all knew this was the next important expansion of the gospel.  Their goal was to worship with this tribe around the throne of God some day. 

At first, they were discouraged because no Aucas came to their beach.  Nate flew over their homes announcing where they were.  In a few days, two women and a young man came to visit them and stayed overnight.  In a couple of days, in one of Nate’s flights, he saw a group of ten men on their way to the beach.   The men were excited and radioed to their wives of this development.  But that was the last contact with the men.  All five were killed by the Aucas.

The news of the martyrdom spread quickly all over the world.  The five widows stayed in Ecuador continuing the work after the death of their husbands.  And God began to move on the hearts of the Aucas.  Within three years, Elizabeth Elliot and Rachel Saint (the sister of Nate Saint) were invited to live with the Aucas.  Elizabeth had the privilege of leading many Aucas to the Lord—including two men who had murdered her husband.  Many lives were changed because of the deaths of these five men.