The Shattering

I’ve been trying to make sense out of what’s been happening in my life. I’d be lying if I told you the past nine months (significant?) have been easy. I’d also be lying if I told you I hadn’t kicked and screamed a bit. 

You see…my life was beautiful. I’d been in the ministry for 48 years and a pastor’s wife for 43 years.  I knew what to expect.  Plop me down in any Baptist church and I could figure things out pretty quickly. My life was like the top mosaic—pieces of my life put together to hopefully reflect God’s great love for me and others.  

I came to understand what those pieces were this week. Why? Because there has been a great shattering in my life.  After retirement (or reassignment, as we like to call it—because we never intend to quit ministering), we were busy selling stuff, moving stuff, and visiting all four kids. But when the dust settled, I was left with this question, “Who am I!?” I was no longer a pastor’s wife. It’s like my carefully crafted mosaic fell apart and I was left with a pile of glass pieces—like the middle photo. None were broken…but it was no longer a beautiful mosaic. 

This week, I began to understand the shattering.  Those colorful pieces of glass are my desires. Psalm 20:4 says, “May He grant you according to your heart’s desires, and fulfill all your purpose.” God began putting those desires in my heart years ago. How?  “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4. I’d never trusted the desires in my heart. But God says they lead to fulfilling my purpose. My desires are legitimate and beautiful because they’re from God!

As I stood looking at what the shattering in my life had caused—a pile of colorful glass—I realized this shattering had been necessary. I was no longer a pastor’s wife. I’ve entered a new season. My desires haven’t changed! (None of those glass pieces were broken.) I still want to have alone time, invest in others, write, create, travel, teach, encourage and all of those wonderful desires God has placed in my heart. But…it’s going to look different. 

I’m not sure what the new mosaic of Becky will look like. But God will pick up the pieces and solder them together with His very strong-holding solder. The amazing thing is He lets me participate in this remaking after the great breaking. As I submit and explore how to use those desires in a new way, a beautiful mosaic develops. I hope it’s a mosaic of beauty, freedom, and life.   

My greatest desire is that His light reflects through each desire He has placed in my heart. May His purpose be fulfilled.  

I’m ready, God!