5784

I always search for the Hebrew year and its meaning when our New Year rolls around. The Hebrew year actually begins at Rosh Hashanah which was in September. There is a Hebrew meaning to the numbers in the year. I remember 2020 was the Year of Tottering—and boy!  Didn’t we totter??

This year is the Hebrew year 5784 which is the Year of Open Doors. This excites me! Don’t we all hope for open doors? Doors which God opens and no man can close. The ultimate open door will be the rapture—when God’s people go to heaven together. 

I also ask God for a word for the new year. This year, I felt like God was telling me “MIRACLES.”  As I began sharing miracles I’ve seen during my life on Facebook, I asked God not to stop! I don’t want all of the miracles to be in my past—I want to see them every day! So it’s so cool that He gave me that word.  

Open Doors and Miracles. I think 2024 will shape up to be a very good year! God, give me eyes to see and ears to hear! 

God Waits…

Whenever I see a verse about “waiting,” it jumps off the page at me now! Isaiah 30:18 says, “Therefore the Lord will wait, that He may be gracious to you; and therefore He will be exalted that He may have mercy on you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for Him.”

Does God wait to see if we’ll wait on Him? Staying with the story of Moses (and after bouncing this

off my prayer partners), you’ll remember that when God called him to come up the mountain to receive the Ten Commandments, Moses waited six days—and then God spoke on the seventh day. Moses waited…and God was gracious to him. God is exalted when we wait on Him. 

Meanwhile, back at camp, Aaron had been told to lead the people. They waited…and then they didn’t.  When Moses didn’t come back in a timely manner, they constructed a golden calf to be their god.  Because they didn’t wait…and because they disobeyed (so quickly!), God punished them.  

Does God wait to see if we’ll wait on Him?  Is that what the waiting is for—to test our obedience and commitment? 

He wants to have mercy on you. Wait. You’ll be blessed!

Waiting Time

Moses had taken 70 elders up Mount Sinai where they saw God—and ate and drank with Him. What an amazing experience! Then God told Moses to come up higher and He would give him tablets of stone containing the law and commandments which he was to teach the people. 

Moses climbed the mountain and was enveloped in a cloud. The glory of the Lord rested on Mount Sinai for six days. On the seventh day, God spoke. 

My daughter-in-law, Shanna, made this point with me this week. God sent Moses. But why did he have to wait seven days until God spoke? What was God doing? Do you think Moses questioned God? He was human after all—just like us.  I’m sure he called out to God, “I’m here! Do I need to find some stones for you?”

God made him wait. Why, do you think? Has God ever sent you somewhere and then made you wait? Why does He do that? I have some theories. Maybe He’s quieting our hearts. Maybe the distance that’s created makes us want to pull in closer to hear His voice. Maybe He’s giving us time to examine our hearts. Maybe He wants us to rest, trust, and hope in the waiting. Maybe all of that and more. 

God still makes His people wait. He may call you to a place and a task and then make you wait. It feels unsettling. It may make you question the call.  But wait anyway. Press in close to the heart of God. He just may be preparing you for what’s ahead. 

The Steadman’s Rebuilding Pt. 5

Caleb and I had marked a date on the calendar for our projected move-in date. It was two weeks away and I was worried. “Caleb, how are we going to furnish the house?” I asked. We’d spent every penny on construction. In fact, we’d had to take out a loan to finish up the house—the insurance check just didn’t go far enough to cover a new water well and septic system. “Merry, God knows what we need. We’ve asked and we’ll keep on asking. You know He’s never failed us!” I replied, “I know. It’s just…I don’t want my kids having to sleep on the floor!” Caleb laughed and said, “You and I have both slept on the floor many times as a kid. It won’t kill them.”  I knew that. But we had nothing. No furniture. No household goods. Not even a blanket. Everything we were using was on loan. 

We were spending this week painting. I was good at rolling and Caleb was the best at cutting in. At least our contractor had come with a paint sprayer one night and painted all of the ceilings—and saved us that work. “It’s my final gift to you,” he said as he handed us the house key.  Honestly, the house looked better than I’d ever expected! We’d added a front porch and back patio that we hadn’t had before. We’d painted the outside of the house white with black trim with big cedar posts holding up the porch overhang. There were also cedar shutters. It looked very much like an updated farmhouse.  We’d also made the kitchen and living room more open. The kitchen had a huge bar where the kids could do homework and the living room had a big, beautiful fireplace. We’d tried to keep it just like the original one which was made with Chicago brick and had a barn beam for a mantle. Henry was getting his own room. The twins would share a room as would the girls. The kids got to pick the color of their rooms—with a little guidance from me, of course. I was excited about our bedroom—it was larger than the original and we’d added a big walk-in closet. Our bathroom got an enormous shower and a free-standing tub. I couldn’t wait to take advantage of that tub!

It was Monday night and the painting was finished—which meant the house was finished. At our last dinner in the FEMA trailer, Caleb asked each of us to share what we’d learned since the tornado. We went around the table and each person had to answer. Henry went first. “I found out how much work it is to build a house,” he said. Sadie giggled and put her hand over her eyes. “Ummm…I learned how to do a flip on the trampoline!” David was next. “I learned how to hit a nail with a hammer.” He’d become quite the expert with that hammer. Matthew, not to be outdone, said loudly. “I learned not to put my arm in a pipe!” (Thank goodness! But…time would tell.) Ellie, following her big sister’s lead reported, “I learned how to climb the ladder.” And then it was my turn, “I learned what a hard worker Daddy is. I also saw his patience and encouragement almost every day. I watched my kids learn new things and help with every project in some way.  I learned that we have very generous friends and a big, good God who loves to provide for ALL of our needs.” Caleb started to talk, but choked up—which meant he had the attention of each of his kids. When he could finally talk, he said, “I learned what an amazing family I have. Everyone did all they could to help with the house. But more than that, I saw Henry grow in patience with his siblings. I saw Matthew learn to obey. I saw David eagerly learn new skills. I saw Sadie learn how to wait her turn. I saw Ellie learn how to entertain herself. I saw Mommy find a new level of trust. We all learned that God is good in bad times just like He is in good times. We are a blessed family!!”

Last week at church, Gwenneth, a widow who has wind turbines on her farm and is known for her generosity, found us and gave us a very sizable check. She wanted to pay off the loan for our septic system and water well—and to buy all of the furniture and household goods we would need. She told us that she and her husband, John, had been through a tornado and lost everything and they’d had no help. She wanted us to have a fresh start without struggling. We were blown away—what a huge blessing! A furniture truck was arriving tomorrow. 

Steadman Farms was rebuilt. But even better…so were the Steadmans. And tomorrow?  Tomorrow was the beginning of a new adventure for the Steadman family!

“Mom?!” Sadie yelled, “Matthew jumped out of the tree to do a flip on the trampoline!”

THE END. 

The Steadman’s Rebuilding Pt. 4

Ugh!! Anything that could go wrong, had gone wrong with this rebuilding project! We’d had to dig a new water well and go 50 feet deeper than the one before. The septic system had to be replaced. Finally, our contractor told us that if we could do any of the work ourselves, it would help keep the costs down. Caleb borrowed a ditch digger and dug the trench for the pipes leading from the house to the septic system and replaced pipes himself. The electrician came and showed him how to run the wires through the walls and he did all of that work. We both did the mudding and taping after the sheetrock was hung. Caleb put in recessed lighting and hung ceiling fans. Then the electrician came and connected it all—praising Caleb for a job well done! While he did that, I grouted around windows and trim on the outside of the house. A friend came and showed us how to tile a shower, so we did the tile work in the other two bathrooms, entryway, and kitchen. We also planned on painting every room in the house. No doubt about it, we’d have a bunch of new skills after this house was finished. 

I was in the middle of hanging wallpaper in the master bedroom when Henry came running in and said, “Mom! You better come quick! Matthew’s arm is stuck in a drain pipe!” It was the uncovered pipe leading to the old septic tank—and Matthew had dropped a Hot Wheel down the pipe and was trying to retrieve it. We eventually got his arm out after dousing it with a bottle of Crisco vegetable oil! “Caleb, we’ve got to do something for these kids,” I told him, “They’re bored because we’re too preoccupied. They’re going to get hurt unless we give them something to do!” We’d involved them as much as possible, but it wasn’t enough. Caleb said, “You know, we told them we’d replace the trampoline the tornado destroyed. Let’s do it now.” That night, after we fell into bed, we ordered a trampoline online. It would arrive in two days. We decided to wait and surprise the kids. 

We were exhausted. Building a house (especially with continually skyrocketing prices!) was not for the faint of heart. Practically every night as I showered, I had a good cry. I was so tired, I literally hurt. Some nights, I was so tired I couldn’t sleep. My house was a mess and we hadn’t had clean clothes in a week. I could tell my ever-calm husband’s nerves were being stretched to the breaking point. Just tonight, I heard him telling David, “Son, I’m sorry for yelling at you today. I was wrong. Will you forgive me?” We needed this project to be over. Even though we were seeing progress, it was hard to get excited because so many projects still needed to be completed. 

I came home to our FEMA trailer house after hanging wallpaper, and saw two cars parked out front. That looked like Jason & Jennifer Wilson’s car. And George & Miss Shirley’s! I walked in the house and saw what they’d done, and sat down and bawled like a baby. They’d cleaned the house, the washer was going, they’d brought a meal, and were feeding the kids. George whispered, “Caleb told us you had something that needed to be put together. Lead the way! Jason & I brought our tools.” I took them to the barn and showed them the trampoline which had arrived that afternoon. Within an hour, our five kids and the Wilson’s two kids were taking turns doing flips. The safety net was worth the extra money for my peace of mind. Even Ellie was loving it! She squealed, “Look Mommy, I jump!” Thank goodness Henry could help her up and down the ladder which would free me up in the days to come. 

Before we fell asleep that night, Caleb pulled me close and began praying, “God, we’re so rich! Thank you for the friends You’ve given us. People have helped us, loaned us equipment, brought meals, babysat, slipped us money, and done hard labor to save us money. Please bless them all! We’re so tired. Please renew our strength and give us the stamina to push through to the finish line. And God? Let us be the kind of friend others need. Don’t let us get tunnel vision. Help us always to be looking for ways to help others. In Jesus’ name, amen.  

Right before falling asleep, I thought “There WILL be an end to this, right, God?” 

It felt like the tornado had happened years ago.  

The Steadman’s Rebuilding Pt. 3

Two months. We were two months past the tornado. The trucks were all gone. People were gone. Everyone had been such a huge help, but now we were left with the help of insurance, FEMA, builders, and our own hands. Of course, God had never left us. And thank goodness He knew the way past this mess!

We were so glad another town who’d walked through the same thing a year before, sent their point man to share what they’d learned through the process of rebuilding. That’s how Caleb knew to apply for a FEMA trailer house to set on our property so we’d have a place to live while we rebuilt. Honestly, that town’s pain was used to help us and we hoped to do the same for someone else down the road—not that we wished this on anyone!

Caleb woke up this morning excited! He was like a kid before Christmas. “Today’s the day we start framing our house! I’ve asked Jennifer to come take photos of our family in front of the new foundation,” he told me. We were both nervous about the money stretching. The insurance company had been quick to total our house and to send a check. But prices of EVERYTHING kept going up every single day.  We also needed a houseful of furniture! We had dreamed a little with what we wanted in this house but we’d kept the same basic floor plan because it worked so well. A lumber store in Amarillo was sending trucks with everything we needed. Our contractor was a friend and he was working hard to help us keep the costs down. 

“1…2…3…smile!” Jennifer was clicking away. We were all wearing the new clothes mom had sent us. “Merry, it’s time to get out of the donated clothing,” she chided. What she didn’t realize is that it was actually nicer than a lot of what had been in our closet. But it gave us a boost to have something new. We’d waded through more mud, dirt, trash, and piles of broken lumber than I ever hoped to again. It took dump trucks weeks to haul off trash—and they were working eight hours a day to do it. 

The kids all thought this was a grand adventure thanks to Caleb’s attitude. (I was the resident worrier!) He’d put the boys to work helping clear the property. They were pretty proud of their work gloves. The girls and I kept the trailer house clean, animals fed, and the meals cooked, although we’d eaten pizza more often than I cared to admit. But today was framing day! “Girls, do not cross this line today,” Caleb told the girls as he drug the heel of his boot in the dirt. “Boys, grab your hammers. You’re helping,” he told some wide-eyed, excited boys. 

Caleb told me, “Merry, go in the house and sit down and rest. I won’t let the boys do more than they can handle—I just want them to remember building this house with their own hands. The girls will be well-entertained for a bit just watching,” He knew I was exhausted…but he was also rubbing the frown lines between my brows. He knew I was worried. Too many things were going on.  Too many decisions had to be made. And there were way too many expenses. And some days it felt like there were too many kids in the trailer house. “They’re a gift!” I reminded myself.  

So I did…I went in the house and sat down. I needed some time to lay all of this at Jesus’ feet. I felt like I’d been living in a tornado myself with no time to turn things off and sit at Jesus’ feet. Caleb knew me well. I opened my Bible and it fell open to Psalm 37. My eyes fell on verses 3-7 underlined in my Bible: 

Trust in the Lord, and do good; 

Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.

Delight yourself also in the Lord, 

And He shall give you the desires of your heart. 

Commit your way to the Lord,

Trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass. 

He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light,

And your justice as the noonday. 

Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him,

Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way,

Because of the man who brings wicked schemes to pass. 

Yes, Caleb knew me well, but God knew me better.  “God, I confess my sin of worry. You are already in our future. You know what it’s going to take to rebuild. Would You rebuild me in the process? Rebuild us as a family. I commit my way to You. I WANT to delight in You! I want Your desires…and I want to trust that the desires that are in my heart are from You. Please help me rest in You. Change me. In Jesus’ name, amen.  

I sat awhile with God. He loved on me and filled me.  We even had a couple of laughs together. And then I was ready to face building a house and whatever it might bring. 

“Girls! Do you want to come in and make some cookies for our builders?” They jumped up from making mud pies and squealed, “YESSSS!!!” We hadn’t made cookies in a good, long while.  

It was time. Time to start rebuilding all that Satan had destroyed.  

The Steadman’s Rebuilding Pt. 2

The sky was full of sunshine this morning and there was a lingering smell of rain in the air. You’d never know a tornado had devastated Sunrise, Texas just twelve hours ago. Our house was uninhabitable as were 75% of the homes in our small community. Fortunately, we’d only heard of two non-life threatening injuries; one was a lady in the nursing home and the other was a 14-year-old delivery boy who was caught out in the storm. Two churches were unscathed—ours, First Baptist (where Caleb was part-time pastor), and First Methodist. Big coffee urns filled with Folgers were going full-blast this morning at both places to give pseudo-energy to dozens of adults who were now homeless.  We’d managed to cobble together cots, air mattresses, and old-fashioned pallets (quilts on the floor) for everyone last night. Ellie had cried for Miss Bunny at bedtime—her stuffed buddy. She was inconsolable until Miss Shirley brought a teddy bear from the church nursery. She’d told Ellie, “Ellie, baby…look who I found in the nursery! Mr. Teddy was crying and needs some love. Would you sleep with him tonight?” It did the trick. I only wished I could be comforted that easily. I also wished I could have gone to sleep as quickly as the kids did. Poor babies! So much had happened so quickly. I was exhausted from loss and from trying to console my family. 

There was already the sound of 18-wheelers and pickups with trailers rolling into town. Caleb had become the point man for our community. Even though so much was going on, I couldn’t help but take notice, “God, You are amazing! This is the same man who could hardly have a conversation with a stranger 13 years ago! And now…look at him!” He was on the phone and directing trucks all at the same time.  Help was on the way!

The Baptist men from the Texas panhandle had shown up with their food trailer and had fed us all breakfast. They promised they’d be there for every meal. It was such a comfort to know that this basic need would be provided—because I didn’t even know if I had any pans left. Caleb found me an hour later and told me, “Jennifer and Jason have offered to watch the younger kids. I want you and Henry to go with me to see what we can salvage at the house. I also need to go feed the animals.” Jason was our youth minister. And they had two kids of their own who were the ages of the twins and Sadie. We were together all the time, so I knew the kids would love getting to play together—and have a sense of normalcy. Thank goodness the parsonage they lived in was still intact.  

We took a minute just to stand and look at what was left of our house. Henry asked Caleb, “Dad, will this fall down if we try to get things out?” It did look a little precarious. Caleb told him, “Henry, you start digging outside first and see what you can find. I’ll try to stabilize things after I feed the animals. Merry, the living area is fine to dig in. Start there. Bring anything you find to this open place under the tree. And please be careful!”  It sure would be nice to find the kids’ immunization records to know if Henry had had a tetanus shot!

We were dirty, sweaty, and exhausted two hours later. I’d given in to my emotions as I worked—it was heart wrenching! And our pile of salvageable things was small. We heard a pickup kick up gravel and we all turned to watch it come down our road. Three men got out of the cab and reached in the back to get their chainsaws and one said, “Preacher, we’ve come to take care of things for you so you can get back and oversee things in town. There are a lot of questions people have and no one knows how to answer. Caleb shook their hands and thanked them and then turned to me and said, “Merry, let’s head back to town. Henry, grab a few of those things and toss them in the back of the pickup.”  I turned to give one last perusal to our devastated house and happened to see a pink ear lying under some boards. “Miss. Bunny! Henry, help me get Miss Bunny out from under these boards.” I pulled out a very muddy bunny rabbit with one ear barely attached. She would need surgery and a bath before she slept with Ellie tonight. 

We arrived to a town we didn’t recognize. Trucks and trailers were everywhere. Food trucks, a shower trailer, a trailer with washers and dryers, trucks bearing men with chainsaws, electricians to restore parts of the town’s power, cell phone company trucks, trailers with water, port-a-potties, women cooking over 5 gallon pots, a tent going up to house a truckload of clothing. Henry exclaimed, “Whoa! Where did all of this come from?”  Caleb replied, “From the heart of God, Henry. From the heart of God.”

A verse was rolling around in my head and I had to give voice to it before it left me. “I will answer them before they even call to me. While they are still talking about their needs, I will go ahead and answer their prayers!” I couldn’t have even thought to ask for all of this! As devastated as I was about losing so much, I had to stop and acknowledge what God was doing. “Thank You, God. You are good. No matter what we lost, You are good. Thank you for saving our family, our church, and our town. Thank You.”

The Steadman’s Rebuilding Pt. 1

“MERRY!!! Get the kids in the cellar! NOW!” Caleb was screaming at me. At first, my legs felt like they were in cement but my mind finally connected with my feet. A tornado was coming!  “Henry! Get your sisters and RUN to the cellar! I knew his 12-year-old body could get the heavy cellar door up. “David, go with Henry!  Where’s Matthew?!” I was frantically trying to find David’s 9-year-old twin brother. Where was that boy?  In all likelihood, he could be on the roof watching the tornado! That boy was too adventurous for his own good. 

“Matthew! MATTHEW!!! I felt like my voice was being sucked up into the winds. “Mom! Look at this!” Matthew was standing in the second floor bedroom by the window with his binoculars watching the approaching tornado. There was no time to talk. I grabbed his arm and spun him around and began half-carrying him down the stairs and out the back door towards the cellar. Henry was standing at the top of the steps holding the door open enough so he could see us coming. Just as I was about to step into the opening, Caleb grabbed Matthew and practically threw us into the cellar and locked the heavy door. My heart was about to pound out of my chest.  Our first tornado at Steadman Farms. 

The girls, Sadie-6, and Ellie-2, ran to me. Sadie sat next to me with her arms clung around my waist and Ellie was against my chest with her arms squeezing my neck. They were both sobbing. We could hear the roar of the winds as the door banged and sounded like it was going to be lifted off its hinges. The boys’ eyes were as round as saucers. David was sitting on his hands and shaking. In a very calm, yet loud voice, Caleb yelled, “Henry, thank you for getting everyone into the cellar! You did great.” He got up and moved over between Matthew and David and put an arm around each of them and pulled Henry near them. He began to pray loudly, “God, please protect us!! Protect our animals and neighbors, in Jesus’ mighty name, amen.” And just at that moment, we heard what sounded like a train coming. The tornado was here. We huddled together as far away from the cellar door as possible. Would it never end???

And then it was over and we heard rain and hail pounding on the tin-covered storm door. Caleb and I looked at one another. What had just happened? What would we find when we opened that door? We were still huddled together, waiting for the hail to subside. The little arms weren’t quite as tight around my waist and neck. I wanted to have a good cry—but knew I needed to remain calm for the kids’ sakes. When we no longer heard hail, Caleb walked up the steps to the door. He unlatched it and began lifting it. Matthew was right behind him and we all heard his, “WHOA!” We all walked out of the cellar and stood looking at what used to be our house. You could tell it had been a two-story house but it was seriously unrecognizable. I was in shock. The girls were crying and the boys were staring. Interestingly, the barn looked unscathed. I couldn’t speak. 

Caleb pulled us into a big huddle and began praying, “God, thank You for giving us this house. It’s been such a gift. Thank You for keeping us all safe. We don’t know what lies ahead of us, but we trust You. You have NEVER failed us. And we know You won’t now. Bless us. And bless every family in Sunrise who was affected by this tornado. In Jesus’ name, amen. 

I knew God was in control…but where were we going to sleep tonight? The kids and I were sitting in the pickup with the heater going full blast while Caleb checked on the animals. Ellie was still crying and we were all hungry. Caleb came out of the barn and came to my window. He’d already started calling our church members to check on them. He couldn’t help himself—he was the consummate pastor—always checking on his sheep. He told me, “Jason said the church was untouched. George and Miss Shirley have already met him there and they are setting up a shelter for those who need it. Let’s go, Merry.” 

I really wanted to go dig through the remains of our house and see what was salvageable…but my adrenaline had drained and I was as limp as a wet noodle. I knew I was really close to falling apart—I’m really no good in emergencies. I slipped out of the pickup and fell into Caleb’s arms. He held me close and whispered, “It’s going to be ok, Merry. I promise.”

The seven of us left Steadman Farms in Caleb’s old pickup. As Caleb made the turn, I looked out my window to the remains of our home for the past 13 years. A tear began making its way down my cheek. What lay ahead of the Steadman family?

“Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!”

It’s the only words my mind could form. 

The Shattering

I’ve been trying to make sense out of what’s been happening in my life. I’d be lying if I told you the past nine months (significant?) have been easy. I’d also be lying if I told you I hadn’t kicked and screamed a bit. 

You see…my life was beautiful. I’d been in the ministry for 48 years and a pastor’s wife for 43 years.  I knew what to expect.  Plop me down in any Baptist church and I could figure things out pretty quickly. My life was like the top mosaic—pieces of my life put together to hopefully reflect God’s great love for me and others.  

I came to understand what those pieces were this week. Why? Because there has been a great shattering in my life.  After retirement (or reassignment, as we like to call it—because we never intend to quit ministering), we were busy selling stuff, moving stuff, and visiting all four kids. But when the dust settled, I was left with this question, “Who am I!?” I was no longer a pastor’s wife. It’s like my carefully crafted mosaic fell apart and I was left with a pile of glass pieces—like the middle photo. None were broken…but it was no longer a beautiful mosaic. 

This week, I began to understand the shattering.  Those colorful pieces of glass are my desires. Psalm 20:4 says, “May He grant you according to your heart’s desires, and fulfill all your purpose.” God began putting those desires in my heart years ago. How?  “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4. I’d never trusted the desires in my heart. But God says they lead to fulfilling my purpose. My desires are legitimate and beautiful because they’re from God!

As I stood looking at what the shattering in my life had caused—a pile of colorful glass—I realized this shattering had been necessary. I was no longer a pastor’s wife. I’ve entered a new season. My desires haven’t changed! (None of those glass pieces were broken.) I still want to have alone time, invest in others, write, create, travel, teach, encourage and all of those wonderful desires God has placed in my heart. But…it’s going to look different. 

I’m not sure what the new mosaic of Becky will look like. But God will pick up the pieces and solder them together with His very strong-holding solder. The amazing thing is He lets me participate in this remaking after the great breaking. As I submit and explore how to use those desires in a new way, a beautiful mosaic develops. I hope it’s a mosaic of beauty, freedom, and life.   

My greatest desire is that His light reflects through each desire He has placed in my heart. May His purpose be fulfilled.  

I’m ready, God!

Shattering

I’m trying to process what God is showing me about my life right now. I’d be lying if I told you the past nine months have been easy. I’d also be lying if I told you I haven’t kicked and screamed a few times.  But isn’t it amazing that when God gives you His perspective everything changes? That’s what happened to me this week. 

Andy knew early this year that it was time to retire—or be “reassigned” (because we’ll never stop doing ministry). I was ready—or so I thought. At first, I was consumed with the details of moving. We had to sell furniture and “stuff” to combine our household with my mom’s which was where we were landing. We also visited all four of our kids from May-September. We were BUSY!!

But when the dust settled, I began to wonder who I was and what I was to do. I felt like a square peg in a round hole. I didn’t know where I fit anymore. I’d been a pastor’s wife for 43 years and it was disconcerting trying to find my new role. I felt like my life had shattered. 

God used Psalm 20:4 to begin explaining things to me, “May He grant you according to your heart’s desire, and fulfill all your purpose.”  Psalm 37:4 says, “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.”  So I can trust my desires when I’m intimate with God. He gives them to me. 

These glass pieces represent my desires. When my circumstances changed so drastically, I felt like my life had shattered. It’s like I’d been the stained glass window above and it broke and fell apart. But as God began opening my eyes and my heart to my desires, I knew the old picture of my life had shattered.  It had to. But nothing was truly broken. My desires are the same. God’s just going to pick up the pieces to create something new. The old picture of Becky is gone.  God is creating something different—something even more beautiful from the desires of my heart.