I haven't posted a lot lately. I haven't felt like it. I also didn't want to be a Debbie Downer. But I decided if I'm going to be a blogger, I also need to be honest in the down times.
Ever since coming home from China, I haven't felt well. So...I went to the doctor. Now that may seem normal to you, but I hadn't been to a doctor in 22 years. Yep. You heard me right. The last time I was at the doctor was when I was 34 and had a hysterectomy. This time, the doctor diagnosed a urinary tract infection and prescribed an antibiotic...and a mammogram. Just because. (Just because I hadn't had one in 22 years.)
The good news is my mammogram was A-OK. (The technician tried to convince me that things had changed in 22 years---don't believe them when they tell you that!)
The bad news is that I still feel bad. I've diagnosed myself with a parasite. I'll find out if that's true when I go back to the doctor next week. The bad news is I lost 20 pounds in 2 weeks. The good news is I lost 20 pounds in 2 weeks. The bad news is I have no appetite for sweet things. The good news is I have no appetite for sweet things. I'm nervous to eat anything because I instantly feel bloated. That's also good news. I'm also tired and can't get over my tiredness. That's just bad news.
And I think it's been so long since I haven't felt well that it's messing with my emotions. Plus there's so much swirling all around me that I think I've just kind of frozen. I have no energy to reach out or even pray. So I just try to be still...or stay busy. I'm not sure which is really working.
I may not have cracked open my Bible since I've been home. But I'm ok with that. I am trying to enjoy God's presence in my life.
Satan has been throwing things into my life for the past 5 weeks that have been so destructive...and potentially life-altering. But it's just making me nestle in a little closer to God's heart....and trust. I'm learning that's about all I can do. I can't change people and I can't twist God's arm. But I can nestle.
At 56 years of age (I actually thought I was 57 this week and my aunt corrected me. Bought me some more time!), I've learned that this too will pass. I know countless people are walking through worse things, but I'm giving myself permission to have a down time. I'm so glad God created seasons...because I know things will change.