Friday, July 13, 2012

Down times

I haven't posted a lot lately.  I haven't felt like it.  I also didn't want to be a Debbie Downer.  But I decided if I'm going to be a blogger, I also need to be honest in the down times.
Ever since coming home from China, I haven't felt well.  So...I went to the doctor.  Now that may seem normal to you, but I hadn't been to a doctor in 22 years.  Yep.  You heard me right.  The last time I was at the doctor was when I was 34 and had a hysterectomy.  This time, the doctor diagnosed a urinary tract infection and prescribed an antibiotic...and a mammogram.  Just because.  (Just because I hadn't had one in 22 years.)
The good news is my mammogram was A-OK.  (The technician tried to convince me that things had changed in 22 years---don't believe them when they tell you that!)
The bad news is that I still feel bad.  I've diagnosed myself with a parasite.  I'll find out if that's true when I go back to the doctor next week.  The bad news is I lost 20 pounds in 2 weeks.  The good news is I lost 20 pounds in 2 weeks.  The bad news is I have no appetite for sweet things.  The good news is I have no appetite for sweet things.  I'm nervous to eat anything because I instantly feel bloated.  That's also good news.  I'm also tired and can't get over my tiredness.  That's just bad news.
And I think it's been so long since I haven't felt well that it's messing with my emotions.  Plus there's so much swirling all around me that I think I've just kind of frozen.  I have no energy to reach out or even pray.  So I just try to be still...or stay busy.  I'm not sure which is really working.
I may not have cracked open my Bible since I've been home.  But I'm ok with that.  I am trying to enjoy God's presence in my life.
Satan has been throwing things into my life for the past 5 weeks that have been so destructive...and potentially life-altering.  But it's just making me nestle in a little closer to God's heart....and trust.  I'm learning that's about all I can do.  I can't change people and I can't twist God's arm.  But I can nestle.
At 56 years of age (I actually thought I was 57 this week and my aunt corrected me.  Bought me some more time!), I've learned that this too will pass.  I know countless people are walking through worse things, but I'm giving myself permission to have a down time.  I'm so glad God created seasons...because I know things will change.


amy wright said...

I hope you get to feeling better soon! I'm sorry you have been feeling so bad. And I think it's good to allow yourself some time to be a little down. Otherwise it's fake ups, right? :) Love you.

Becky Dietz said...

Fake ups. I hadn't thought of that! And I love it. But I love you more.

Tammy said...

Becky, i'm so sorry for how you're feeling. hopefully next week you will find out more about that. for what you are going thru.... i think there are times where we can't pray anymore. and that's why we put it out there and those who love us pray us thru. that's when i also find i am in a continual conversation with God sometimes not even realizing i am doing that....... and i don't know when it happened but more often than not, for me to know my age, i have to subtract birth year from current year! hahahaha praying for you