Your Pastor-Husband & Counseling Women

It’s probably one of the #1 struggles of pastor’s wives.  What happens when a woman wants to be counseled by your husband?  How can you and your husband both set up boundaries to protect your marriage?  I don’t believe this is something the husband gets to say, “This is the way it’s going to be—I’m the pastor!”  If he truly wants to serve God and love his wife, he’ll agree to work this out TOGETHER.  Together, the pastor and his wife can set up boundaries.  

I can only tell you what Andy & I have agreed to. Early on, it was by trial and error.  I had to deal with my own jealous spirit.  Andy is a fun, outgoing guy and his normal way of interacting with others would often set me on edge.  He wasn’t flirting—but I’d still be jealous.  One day, God set me down and told me, “You can be miserable the rest of your life, or you can entrust your husband to me and kick the spirit of jealousy out!”  I drew a line in the sand that day and commanded jealousy to leave.  Of course, that spirit tried to come back numerous ways—but I chose to trust God.  After some time, jealousy was no longer an issue.  But we still needed to set boundaries—for both our sakes.   

About that time, we came to a church which had a very godly pastor who had already set boundaries for the staff—and it’s still the boundaries we use today. These are the boundaries we use in a nutshell:

1. Never counsel a woman alone.  If you have a secretary, leave your door open so she’s aware of all that’s going on as you counsel.  If you don’t have a secretary, invite another staff member, your wife, or that woman’s husband to the counseling session. Or invite her to your house and include your wife in the counseling session.  

2. Don’t text, message, or email a woman privately. Always include your wife or her husband.  If you work with a lot of women, send a group text or email (including your wife) explaining that your wife will always be included in anything you send and everything they send should include her.  

3. Never counsel a woman more than one time.  After that, include her husband or your wife.  If she’s single, include your wife. Andy often defers future counseling to me. It’s also never wise to only hear one side to a story—it always sounds right until you hear the other side. So it’s usually best to counsel a husband and wife together.  

4. Of course the woman needs to know she’s safe in what she shares. That’s why it’s important for her to know before you counsel her that either your wife will be present or that she, or another godly woman, will counsel her next.  Or suggest a professional Christian counselor. 

5. Never take a woman you’re counseling or that you work with alone in your car or to a restaurant.  This includes a youth pastor and female students.  If they need a ride home, insist someone go with you. If you let your youth know your rules upfront, they’ll know not to ask or how to ask.  This would also go for music ministers working on music alone with a woman. 

6. We never give front hugs to a person of the opposite sex (with the exception of family). Side hugs are much more appropriate. 

7.  If you have these boundaries in place and then find that you are intentionally crossing those boundaries, you’ve entered dangerous territory. 

Another thing that Andy & I agreed on is that if another woman made me uncomfortable, I was free to tell him and he would graciously remove himself from that “friendship.”  It’s pretty easy for women to see things a man may not see.  I only really remember telling him this one time.  He just didn’t see it, but complied to our agreement.  It was a time I didn’t want to be proven right...but was.  

Here’s the thing.  Satan wants to destroy you, pastor.  And this is the easiest and fastest way to do it.  No pastor starts counseling a woman hoping for an affair and not every pastor has an affair.  But it’s an easy set-up for one.   It doesn’t even have to be physical!  I’ve seen lots of emotional affairs take place in a church.  Having boundaries and accountability also protects you if you are accused in any way. Boundaries are there to PROTECT you!  And, if you’re wise, they’re there to make your wife feel secure in your relationship. Any boundary for the pastor will also be good for the pastor’s wife. It’s great if your church has rules in place...but this is important to your marriage to have boundaries which work for both of you.  I encourage pastors and their wives to sit down today and agree on boundaries together.  

What would you add?