Have you ever been engaged in church conflict and didn’t know how to handle it? We had a lady who ran our church kitchen who became very controlling. She didn’t like the fact that Andy (my husband, the youth minister) wanted plenty of food for the high school youth we fed each Thursday. She thought they were wasteful. But she never approached Andy...she’d always come to tell me her complaints as I was serving the youth.
At first, I let it slide. Then I began saying, “You need to talk to Andy.” But she didn’t. As she became more aggressive and began to actually sabotage the meals by not cooking enough food, I decided that if she approached me again, we needed to talk privately. Believe me...I was praying because I really didn’t want a confrontation. The thought terrified me.
That day came. She verbally attacked Andy to my face and I waited until everyone left. I told her that she was never to come to me again with complaints about my husband. If she had an issue with his ministry, she needed to go to him. It wasn’t a pleasant confrontation—at all. We were both pretty angry before it was over.
But something slowly happened. This woman’s attitude towards Andy & me completely changed. And within a year, she got married and asked Andy to perform the ceremony. We became good friends.
I’ve thought on this a lot. I didn’t want to confront the conflict. I wanted to maintain unity. But there is no real unity as long as a conflict is going on. Satan wants us to think if we leave it alone or sweep it under the carpet, it will go away. It doesn’t. Or we think we’re maintaining unity by not touching it. That’s not unity. That’s avoidance.
Two verses helped me during this time.
“If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Romans 12:18. The part “as far as it depends on you” stuck out to me. And the other...
“If your brother wrongs you, go and show him his fault, between you and him privately. If he listens to you, you have won back your brother.” Matthew 18:15 (and following).
I don’t want you to think I did everything perfectly because I didn’t. But I begged God for help and I knew I had to confront the conflict—to bring peace and unity. God wants us to deal with the conflict and then step back and allow Him to redeem the situation. It’s what He does best.
I highly recommend the book, Antagonists in the Church by Kenneth C. Haugk.
