Releasing Your Adult Children

Your adult children get married and that first year may make you feel like you’re losing your kids. Holidays may even leave you in tears as your kids choose to go to the other parents or they even have to divide their time between more than two sets of parents.  I’ve seen many parents struggle.  I may have a solution which will help you.  You may not gravitate to it immediately, but give it a chance.   

We came to this choice because Andy & I were never able to have our own holidays with our children.  We always spent the holidays with our parents. Of course, we have great memories because we love the grandparents; but as our children got older, we would have loved having Christmas at home.  Even though our parents lived close to one another, we always felt like we were eating and quickly moving to the next set of grandparents.  

As a result of our experience, we gave each of our four kids an unusual wedding gift. We wrote them a note telling them we released them to celebrate the holidays any way they chose.  If they spent every holiday at their in-laws, we were fine with that.  If they wanted to go to the mountains or the coast, we blessed them to do that.  In fact, we told them if none of them came home for a holiday, their dad and I would go on a cruise!   

The key was...we meant it.  We graced them.  Over and over and over.  But the most amazing thing happened. They came home.  Not every time, but most of the time.  There have been times we’ve been invited to one of their homes for a holiday.  And this past Christmas?   Andy & I went on a cruise.  

I’ve seen friends restore relationships with their adult children by releasing and gracing them—and meaning it.  Before, their children avoided coming home.  I think the kids were resisting what felt like control or expectations.  Who wants to go somewhere when they’re feeling forced to be there?  And they won’t respond well to your disappointment or frustration—it becomes a noose.  But once they released their children, things changed.  One couple, after releasing their married kids and then finding out those kids were going to the in-laws, took their younger child on a special trip that first Christmas (not with the motive to manipulate), and it changed everything. The kids started visiting during holidays.  

Prepare yourself for what you’ll do if your kids don’t come home.  And choose to be happy—no matter their choice.  When you know you’re blessing your children and helping them build a strong family themselves by releasing them, it fills your heart with expansive love, contentment, and peace.   

Try it, if you haven’t already—but you have to mean it!  I can’t guarantee your kids will always come home, but isn’t “releasing” the heart of God?   He releases us to choose Him every single day.